Things I Learned in College: A list.

It's like Skippy's List, only less entertaining. Because NOTHING is more entertaining than Skippy's List. Except maybe this. But anyway. Here are the 101 things I learned in college so far. And I'll have you know, I intended to make this thing about seventeen items long. But it actually did turn out to be 101.

101 Things I Learned in College

1. The process of elimination works very well on multiple choice mid-terms.
2. Making an educated guess also works out pretty well.
3. Randomly picking C for the sole reason that it hasn't been used in a while does not work out so well.
4. I learned how to B.S. my way through essay questions, and still do well.
5. Making friends with the professor is the best way to get good grades. Seriously.
6. When you're friends with the professor and are turning a paper in late, he assumes it is because you are a hard working student with many things on your plate.
7. When you are not friends with the professor, he assumes it is because you are a lazy ass who is only going to college to meet girls/guys.
8. General education classes suck.
9. General education class professors suck, too.
10. General education classes are taught like they are the single most important thing to ever affect humanity, and if you don't learn it, you will never get anywhere in life, and you will be homeless for the rest of your life.
11. Even if the stuff you are learning is about the polyphonic qualities of late medieval Gregorian chants.
12. Late medieval Gregorian chants sound really really freaky.
13. Late medieval Gregorian chants work incredibly well for scaring away door to door salesmen.
14. Ring around the rosie is a very, very demented song.
15. Medieval painters painted porn.
16. Math makes even less sense in college than it did in high school.
17. No, I will not tell you more about the medieval porn paintings.
18. Coffee is life.
19. Always make sure that the coffee machine has cups before pressing the button.
20. Watching your coffee go down the drain because the cup failed to pop out is very sad business.
21. The ladies at the welcome desk are totally used to handing out refunds to all the other people who sadly watched their coffee flow away.
22. The coffee that comes from the machine tastes WAY better than the bottom-of-the-pot Starbucks coffee that has been sitting in the cafe all day.
23. NEVER get hot chocolate from the coffee machine.
24. Even if it is all you can afford.
25. It isn't hot chocolate. Trust me.
26. Your stuck up music professor actually does listen to more than late medieval Gregorian chant.
27. In fact, she listens to French rap.
28. And bluegrass.
29. And the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack.
30. And she is more addicted to YouTube than I am.
31. Grammar totally counts.
32. Never say 'totally' in a paper.
33. Your classmates have the collective spelling ability of the "OMG EDWARD CULLEN IS SO HOTT!!!1111!!!!1" forums on a Twilight fan page.
34. And yes, your classmates have posted on that forum.
35. Never express a liberal opinion in a conservative classroom.
36. Never express a conservative opinion in a liberal classroom.
37. In fact, just leave the politics at home.
38. When singled out to answer a political question, B.S. your way through it as much as possible, and rephrase the professor's question, adding "What do you guys think?"
39. It is incredibly easy to halt the lecture by bringing up gay marriage.
40. While your classmates scream at each other about gay marriage, you have enough time for a nap.
41. If you keep answering "Teddy Roosevelt" long enough, eventually, it is bound to be right.
42. Almost no one in college has seen any of the Indiana Jones movies.
43. No one knows what a Tribble is.
44. Old Bill Murray movie references are completely wasted on the college crowd.
45. Everyone knows that the Elves came to the rescue at Helm's Deep, but no one has any clue who Tom Bombadil is.
46. In fact, what in the heck do they teach you in those high schools?
47. No one in class has heard of International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
48. Despite what the professors tell you, there IS such a thing as a stupid question.
49. "Why do men have nipples?" is one of them.
50. In case you're wondering, that's not a good thing to ask in class.
51. Maybe it's okay if it's anatomy class.
52. Or art class.
53. Or even Multicultural Diversity.
54. History class? Totally not the right venue for that question.
55. I am the only one in that entire school that believes Oswald acted alone.
56. Nuns are frigging scary.
57. Nuns drink a LOT.
58. "A lot" is two words.
59. Nuns ride around the grounds on ATVs.
60. Nuns will chase students out of the chapel.
61. Even if you were taking artsy pictures for art class.
62. Nuns can smell Catholic.
63. You don't smell Catholic.
64. It is never acceptable to call St. Francis "Frankie".
65. Also not a good idea to screw up the word "Sacrament" and accidentally say "Sacrilege".
66. Even if you're not Catholic.
67. Ignorance is no excuse.
68. It is entirely not necessary to read the textbooks.
69. When the professor says seven to ten pages, five and a half will work just fine.
70. The deer that are wandering the grounds are very aggressive.
71. Never step off the path to take a picture of a deer.
72. A deer lowering his head, exposing his antlers, and stomping his foot is a pretty terrific sign that you should leave the area.
73. Nuns will take rocks from a nearby stream and build a monument to Mary at the top of a hill.
74. They will then take garbage lids and sled down that same hill.
75. While in full habits.
76. I kid you not.
77. It is entirely possible to procrastinate on a seven page research paper, only begin research two days before class, and write the actual paper the night before class at 2:00 in the morning, and still get a good grade.
78. Content isn't worth any points. If the professor can read the paper, it's an instant A.
79. Seriously, spelling counts.
80. Grammar counts more.
81. At least learn the difference between "Your" and "You're".
82. Even though those two words sound the same, they are not.
83. Arguing with the professor about how "deity" is actually pronounced "DAY-IH-TEE" not "DEE-IH-TEE" is futile.
84. Even if you know the Latin root of the word and can trace the etymology of it.
85. Webster says it is "dee-ih-tee", and that is final.
86. The Discovery Channel counts as a credible source.
87. Mythbusters does not.
88. Time Warp does.
89. CSI is a joke.
90. Police officers do NOT have a quota of traffic tickets that they have to give out.
91. They really don't.
92. So stop using it as an excuse.
93. Saying that your major is criminal justice really makes people take you seriously.
94. Up until they ask if you want to "do that CSI stuff".
95. Non-criminal justice majors just don't understand how stupid CSI is.
96. Never mention CSI in any criminal justice class.
97. Unless you want to stop the lecture and take a nap.
98. I've learned way more things in college than I thought I had.
99. Textbooks are a conspiracy to get you to pay obscene amounts of money for something you won't actually read.
100. And they make new editions every year so you can't sell them back.
101. Really. There is NO QUOTA of traffic tickets that police officers have to fill.