How to deal with employees

The Real Reasons Your Business Can't Get Done Over the Phone

1. Always remember that it is the employee's fault. Not the company, not the privacy laws, and not *all* of the employees. It is that one employee who answers the phone to deal with your problems. It is HER fault PERSONALLY that you are having these issues. And don't forget: She is sitting at her desk, wearing her headset, plotting on how best to screw up your life. Not everyone else's lives... YOUR life. Because she hates you personally.

2. Being nice doesn't get any business done. When you are nice to the person on the phone, he thinks you are weak, and won't listen to you at all. He then laughs with all his buddies while telling stories about you around the water cooler. Remember that yelling always gets things done. Because when you yell at an employee, his only thought is "Oh, my! This customer is enraged! How ever will I live with myself? I have to help her, or I will spend the rest of my life wallowing in misery!". And remember to yell a lot, because it's much more effective. The employee will not be thinking, "Just get off the phone, bitch."

3. Remember to keep repeating how you thought things worked. It doesn't matter that there are privacy laws that prevent employees from giving you someone else's info over the phone. If *you* thought that they could give you any info you asked for, then that's how things are. Keep insisting this point! Because there's no real privacy law; the employee is just making it up so she can make your life miserable (because remember, she's out to get you).

4. Threaten to have the employee fired. Because remember: You have that kind of power. The world works because you allow them to, and it is a privilege that you can take away any time you choose. And this phone job is the most important thing in the world to the employee. His entire life is centered around answering phones all day. In fact, he doesn't have a home or a life or bills or a family or kids. He lives at that business, doesn't sleep, doesn't eat, doesn't pee, doesn't gossip with coworkers. Remember: All employees are robots. They live to do one task and never worry about anything else.

5. On occasion, even after you've followed all of these steps, your business still will not be done. Don't panic. You have one last ace up your sleeve. Threaten to never shop/do business there again!! This will be so miserable for the employee, and she will possibly ball up on the floor and cry. At this point in the conversation, she should be begging you not to leave the company, and will gladly give you a billion-dollar gift card to make up for the trouble. If, for some reason, your employee seems unfazed by this threat, then you must be prepared to follow through. You must now actually never shop there again. Take comfort in knowing that for the rest of that employee's miserable life, she will look back with remorse on the day that she lost such a fine customer. Her life will be in ruin, she will need to see a therapist, and will likely need to begin taking anti-depression drugs. You have gotten your point across. Bravo to you.

How could they treat you like this? You've always been such a good customer...