How to deal with employees

The Real Reasons Your Business Can't Get Done Over the Phone

1. Always remember that it is the employee's fault. Not the company, not the privacy laws, and not *all* of the employees. It is that one employee who answers the phone to deal with your problems. It is HER fault PERSONALLY that you are having these issues. And don't forget: She is sitting at her desk, wearing her headset, plotting on how best to screw up your life. Not everyone else's lives... YOUR life. Because she hates you personally.

2. Being nice doesn't get any business done. When you are nice to the person on the phone, he thinks you are weak, and won't listen to you at all. He then laughs with all his buddies while telling stories about you around the water cooler. Remember that yelling always gets things done. Because when you yell at an employee, his only thought is "Oh, my! This customer is enraged! How ever will I live with myself? I have to help her, or I will spend the rest of my life wallowing in misery!". And remember to yell a lot, because it's much more effective. The employee will not be thinking, "Just get off the phone, bitch."

3. Remember to keep repeating how you thought things worked. It doesn't matter that there are privacy laws that prevent employees from giving you someone else's info over the phone. If *you* thought that they could give you any info you asked for, then that's how things are. Keep insisting this point! Because there's no real privacy law; the employee is just making it up so she can make your life miserable (because remember, she's out to get you).

4. Threaten to have the employee fired. Because remember: You have that kind of power. The world works because you allow them to, and it is a privilege that you can take away any time you choose. And this phone job is the most important thing in the world to the employee. His entire life is centered around answering phones all day. In fact, he doesn't have a home or a life or bills or a family or kids. He lives at that business, doesn't sleep, doesn't eat, doesn't pee, doesn't gossip with coworkers. Remember: All employees are robots. They live to do one task and never worry about anything else.

5. On occasion, even after you've followed all of these steps, your business still will not be done. Don't panic. You have one last ace up your sleeve. Threaten to never shop/do business there again!! This will be so miserable for the employee, and she will possibly ball up on the floor and cry. At this point in the conversation, she should be begging you not to leave the company, and will gladly give you a billion-dollar gift card to make up for the trouble. If, for some reason, your employee seems unfazed by this threat, then you must be prepared to follow through. You must now actually never shop there again. Take comfort in knowing that for the rest of that employee's miserable life, she will look back with remorse on the day that she lost such a fine customer. Her life will be in ruin, she will need to see a therapist, and will likely need to begin taking anti-depression drugs. You have gotten your point across. Bravo to you.

How could they treat you like this? You've always been such a good customer...

A question.

If Joss Whedon makes a film, and no one is around to see it, is it still a cult phenomenon?

... yes.

OOH! OOH! I KNOW!!

OOH! I KNOW WHERE THE BEGINNING IS!!! I KNOW WHERE TO START MY STORY!!! :D

Ugh.

School tomorrow. Drast. :(

Day two of editing

Well, editing was going pretty well until Windows crashed. And by crashed, I don't mean shut down and didn't save my last three paragraphs. I mean full crash, completely gone, had to reinstall windows. Yeah. Really. That happened yesterday. I saved all my files though, so it's all good. But still. I lost all my internet favorites *again*. Lovely.

But this has happened before, and it IS Windows, so I came prepared with a terabyte of backup hard drive. So HA.

Anyway. On to the arrangement of plot. See, the first chapter deals with Torin being bitten by the werewolf. It makes a great beginning, but it isn't very effective, you know? I mean, you've only just met this character, so it's not like you necessarily *care* that he's being bit. So... yeah. Wondering where to start now. But I'll get this arranged, no worries. One Note is helping. I've just discovered this program, and I heart it so far. I can rearrange plots right on my computer screen without having to copy and paste a bunch of crap... so it's nice. Helpful.

Yeah. So. Back to editing. I've got a deadline if I want to get this thing published.

And before you get all excited, I don't mean published published. Just printing out my free CreateSpace copy that I get for completing NaNoWriMo, but that coupon expires July 1st, so... yeah. Carry on.

Story writing and revision

Current short story count: 0

Heh. Yep. I keep trying, but nothing's coming. Where the heck do I normally come up with this stuff? Oh well.

I did get started on revising my NaNoWriMo novel. Hooray. So far I've deleted the opening sequence. There was nothing going on there, except my characters quoting random movie lines because they couldn't think of anything else to do. I had sort of an odd start to November :) Once they quit quoting lines, though, they started doing stuff. The second scene had Luke and Torin chasing a werewolf through the woods, Torin vowing to join a gym, and Luke yelling in German. Which is odd, 'cause he's not German. Anyway. That's what we're starting with now. Makes it a better beginning.

200 short stories in one year.

That is NOT a New Years resolution, by the way. It's the stupidest holiday ever, and yes, I'm including Valentines Day in there as well.

BUT! I'm bored, and I feel like doing something stupid, like setting some crazy goal, like 200 short stories in one year. I don't know why. I don't know where I'm going to get these story ideas. But I feel like it, so shut up.

I know. "In one year" sounds like a resolution. It ISN'T. It's just a convenient marker of the beginning and end of the year. If you don't believe me, I'll write a blog later detailing exactly why it's the stupidest holiday ever.

Now on to the questions.

Wait, why?
Because I'm bored, it's late, and I was up late last night making fun of the hypocrites and their resolutions, so I'm a little loopy.

Why 200? Why not 365?
Yeah right. Like I'm going to write one story every day? No way. 200 leaves me 165 days to play with. That gives me leeway for stuff like finals week, crazy studies, visits from family, and those insane thirty days of November known as NaNoWriMo.

Define short story. Is there a set amount of words? Are you going to do one theme? Will these stories be related?
No, no, and no. I once wrote a short story that was forty-six words long. It had characters who had personality, it had a beginning, a middle, and a (typical Rio cliffhanger) ending. It totally counts. And if I'm gonna do something stupid like write 200 stories in a year, I'm not going to put up any restrictions like word count, genre, or making them one common theme. That's just crazy talk.

So, what do you get if you manage to write 200 stories in a year?
............... a cookie?