The Idiot's Guide to Cooking: Written by an idiot

So, there's like NOTHING to eat in this house. Well, there is, but it's all in pieces. We have corn starch and olive oil and baking sugar and all natural chicken stock, but nothing like... a can of ravioli or a frozen pizza. So, there's enough ingredients to make a delicious meal of steak and spices and what not, but someone with MY cooking skills doesn't have the slightest idea of what to do with them.

OH LOOK! BISQUICK! I've got milk and eggs! Pancakes!

Yeah. No. Have I ever told you about the time that I burned a lunchable pizza in the microwave? What's worse, is that I did it twice.

So here's me attempting to make pancakes. Heh.

Step One: Grease the pan. Easy. However, tip for the beginner, when spraying the non stick cooking spray, make sure the nozzle is pointed at the PAN, and not your NOSE. Well, at least stuff won't stick to my glasses for a while. Now, when you actually figure out which way the nozzle is pointing, you also have to get the distance right. See, too close, and the spray just plops down on one spot in a really thick, quarter-sized spot. Too far away, and you won't have to worry about things sticking to your kitchen curtains. This process seems to be trial and error.

Step Two: Add ingredients. Stir. Don't stir too fast. Things tend to flop out of the bowl.

Step Three: Place pan on heat. Pour in 1/4 cup of mix. Let cook until edges are dry. Flip. Cook until golden. Uh... yeah. Sure. Except that the heat is unspecified. Too hot, and you wind up with... well, ash. At least the fire alarm didn't go off. Not hot enough, and it doesn't cook well enough, and you go to flip it, and it breaks in half, and splatters into little pancakelets that then promptly turn into, well, ash. Also, the heat thing is sorta trial and error as well. Heat on high to get the pan warmed up. Heat on low to cool the pan down after the charbroiled pancake. Heat on medium because of the pancake that fell apart and splattered. Run out of pancake mix without having ever figured out what the heat setting should be.

Step Four: Clean up. At this point, there will be little splatters of charred pancakelets scattered around the floor, alongside splatters of batter that flew off the measuring cup when you were smacking the measuring cup trying to get all the batter out. Congratulations. The batter is out. If there are any people in the house besides yourself, or even a very talkative parrot, you should probably resist the urge to chant "Hey, batter batter batter...."

All in all, I'm pretty darned sure that, while cooking, I look like Lucille Ball or Amanda Bynes. Maybe I should start off by making ice.